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 Leo Medina's book of short stories

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Duke Agent 17
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PostSubject: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Wed May 09, 2012 5:07 am

Hey guys,
I'm writing a book of short stories and I need some constructive criticism. The stories are a little rough so I need your help to fix them up. It would be greatly appreciated. Tell me what you think of them. Thank you
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Thu May 10, 2012 7:47 am

The Mirror

She looked into the mirror that had once shown so much beauty, but now showed a monster of grotesque hideousness, and wept.

She was young and held so much beauty, but she was naive. She took her beauty for granted. A slave girl, who amounted to nothing on life’s scale, toyed with life and death and became what she hated.
The slave girl worked for a noble man, whom she despised, and he owned an immense room of golden treasures. In the far corner of the room there was a mirror hidden by massive pile of gold. One day the slave girl had snuck into the room to see if the rumours of it were true. She was shocked at what she saw. The room was over flowing with the most amazing things. She wandered around and discovered the mirror that was buried by the gold. She found a white paper note tucked into the corner of the mirror’s plain wooden frame.
‘Thou who shalt look upon this mirror after reading this note shalt see thine inner beauty.’ The girl looked into the mirror and found, instead of her plain appearance, a beautiful face looking back. She smiled and turned over the note.

Years passed and the girl grew into a beautiful woman. The noble man she had worked for all these years had decided that she would marry his eldest (and favourite) son. The slave leapt at the chance to marry a noble.
They married and she became obsessed with her own beauty. She no longer remembered the mirror from her childhood and the wonders of inner beauty. Her appearance to others was all that seemed to matter anymore. She was spoilt and vain. She did not care for anyone but herself.
After being married 5 years her father in-law became ill and frail. He died within the month, perhaps with a little help. The girl and the noble man’s son had been slowly losing money. The girl had spent almost all of their money on herself, so they had wished to inherit his fathers golden room.
They spent the gold quickly and soon the gold covering the mirror disappeared. The memories of her childhood slowly faded back. She remembered how she used to scoff at the noble women and men. How she laughed at their fancy clothes. The mirror and the wonders it held were remembered. She walked over to the mirror with hesitation. She looked into the mirror that had once shown so much beauty, but now showed a monster of grotesque hideousness, and wept.
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Fri May 11, 2012 5:34 am

nice ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Fri May 11, 2012 10:41 pm

thanks
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Fri May 11, 2012 11:50 pm

yea they is good ;p
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Tue May 29, 2012 6:52 pm

Bronze Knight

There was a cave in the side of a steep cliff, looking out towards a forever raging ocean. The shoreline was made of craggy rocks jutting out of the base of the cliff. The mountain itself was a huge, black, crumbling mass of rock, with tunnels honeycombing the inside, which sat at the end of a grey and barren waste land. Everything around the mountain was dim and devoid of colour. Inside the cave that was facing the ocean sat a creature of such foulness and grotesqueness that it seemed only a sick and deranged mad man could have dreamt it up.

Aere Miles was walking through the training area. Training would not begin until midday, so she had some time to think in peace. The sun was out and its soft rays played with the light around her bronze armour.
“You are in grave danger!” A voice boomed around the training area. Aere tracked it to a large bail of hay.
“Something dark will happen in your future!” She kicked the hay and it squeaked.
“Ow.” She kicked again and it quivered.
“Gasp… this hay seems to be alive.” She said in a melodramatic voice.
“What ever shall I do?” She enjoyed playing the damsel. She pretended she was about to swoon.
“Bow down and shake in your shoes!” It boomed again.
“Oh no I must comply or be crushed by your almighty straw power.” She knelt on the ground and shook so violently her armour clanked. The hay laughed and wobbled.
“Good. Now give me your money and a well cooked cake fit for the king.”
“Oh yes your might hay-ness of course.”
“And a puppy.”
“Now you’re pushing it. I know you’re in there clown.”
“I’m a knight!” Said the hay indignantly.
“And don’t you look it.” Said Aere sarcastically. “Come out or face my wrath!”
“Never!” It was being stubborn. Aere reached into the hay and pulled out a strange little woman in a comical suit of armour.
“Let me go!” She shrieked in a high squeaky voice. “Right now! I’m warning you!” She fumed.
“And what would you do? Kick me with your little boots? Throw pie in my face? Or would you try me in sword play? You know you wouldn’t win sister.” She had always been better at sword play then her younger sister.
“Don’t tempt me.”
“Tempt you to do what? There were three options.” She laughed and tickled her sister.
“NO!” She gasped. “STOP IT I…I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” She was helpless and tears of laughter began to stream down her face. Aere stopped.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” She laughed.
A squire came running from the direction of the inner circle of the castle grounds.
“Aere Miles and Ridens Miles, you have been summoned to attend the throne room immediately. As his majesty’s royal knights you must hasten.”
“Well looks like we may have to actually do something.” Said Ridens, sighing deeply. She groaned.
“Knights, you have been summoned on a matter of urgency.”
They walked quickly to the throne room in the inner circle.
“Knights,” The king’s voice boomed and echoed around the large room. “The beast is on the prowl. It’s nearing my kingdom and I will not stand by and watch while my people die. It has caused terror in its wake, but not here.”
“But your majesty, how are we to stop it? We’ve all heard what it is capable of, how it killed the entire kingdom of Solis. They had the strongest army force, and what do we have?” Aere had, had friends in Solis. She had lost them to the beast, so she also wanted its head. Her logical sense had planned out every possible way to kill this thing, but it was no use, every time it won. Perhaps the king could think of something she couldn’t, or perhaps it was hopeless and they would all die like Solis had died.
“We may not have the best army, but we have the strongest singular forces. The best knights the world has seen.” The king was proud of his knights.
“But it’s hardly an army your majesty. How are a few knights going to damage the beast?”
“It will die because we have you.” He pointed to Ridens.
“What? How will my sister defeat the beast?” Aere would do anything for her sister. She would kill the gods for her.
Ridens turned to her. “I’m sorry” she said.
“Sorry for what.” Said Aere gently.
“For not telling you what I can do. I learnt I could do things, powerful things. You do not have the power I do.” A tear rolled slowly down her cheek and her eyes filled with sadness. “I’m sorry.”
Aere turned to the king, confusion painted on her face. Her eyes pleaded with his, begged to fight the beast in her sisters place, begged for answers. He turned away.
“Aere, you are dismissed.”
“NO! DON’T LET HER GO! I’LL GO, SEND ME.” She was dragged from the room screaming. She begged and struggled, tears streamed down her sister’s face and she turned away. The doors closed and were locked.
Aere was released and she flung herself at the door. She struggled to open it, but it would not yield. She let out a mad cry, like an animal, and was restrained again.

The day was ending. In the morning the beast would arrive at another kingdom. But this time was different. The beast could sense it. Something powerful was here, and there would be death.

Ridens had been preparing for the battle ahead. She was separated from her sister and it ached. She longed to see her again, strong and calm as always. The image of her sister being dragged away, deranged and screaming flooded her vision. She dismissed it. Her sister was strong and calm, not mad.

Aere sat in the corner of a stone room. Everything around her had been smashed and broken. She was surrounded by ruins of all that she had owned. Her mind was a ruin. It had been taken like her sister had been taken. Her sister was her world and today she would die. She heard the trumpets of war. What was left of her mind urged her to fight. Her sister was going into battle, with only the help of the king’s knights. Aere could not help; the door was locked and guarded. She was on the third floor, so the window was no option. She wept.

It didn’t take long to find the beast; it was already inside the kingdom. The knights got ready and drew their swords. They could hear it coming; trudging through mud, its breath heavy. They waited.

It only took an hour and all the knights where dead, slain by the beast. Ridens fought on. Power surged through her blade and blue flames burned on the metal. The sword clashed against the beast’s elongated talons. It slashed at Ridens face. She jumped back, but the attack hit, running across her soft cheek. Her scream was piercing and she lost her left eye.
“AERE!” She cried, her tears mixing with the blood dripping down her face.

Her scream was carried on the winds, travelling the distance to her sister. Aere’s eyes shot open. Her sister needed her. She smashed down the door and unsheathed one of the guard’s swords. She decapitated them both and ran after the sound. Nothing would stop her saving her sister.

She arrived to see the beast standing over her sister, nearing death. Ridens hair was matted and stuck together with her blood. Aere saw her face and shrieked. Everything human left her and she fought. The beast attacked her with a devastating blow. She jumped it and run towards the beast. It attacked again, this time its talons shot through her stomach and impaled her. She didn’t even flinch. She grabbed the monsters arm and lifted her sword. She lunged forward and plunged her sword into its heart.
She pulled the talons out of her stomach and collapsed to the ground. The dirt clung to her wounds and her blood flowed freely, making mud. She used all of her strength and crawled to her sister. Her mind was piecing together at the site of her sister alive. Ridens lifted herself onto one elbow and smiled weakly.
“You did it sister, let’s go home.” Her voice was weak.
“You go.” Said Aere. “I don’t think I’m going to make it.” She was losing blood fast. Her life was flowing out of her as fast as the blood was. Her eyes began to glaze over. “Live for me.”
“No. You go.” Ridens was crying. The wounds on her face were to server. Her eyes glazed over and she died. Her body slumped over her sister’s chest.
“NO! YOU HAVE TO LIVE! PLEASE!” Her screams fell on deaf ears and she died.
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:12 am

so sad ending D:
but a good job anyway
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Wed Aug 15, 2012 6:40 pm

Thanks. I've actually abandoned this idea and started another story.
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Fri Aug 17, 2012 9:01 am

well keep up your good work
do we get to here the other story???
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PostSubject: Re: Leo Medina's book of short stories   Fri Aug 17, 2012 9:22 pm

Alright. I've only written the intro though. It's the start of a novel I'm writting called 'On the Rolling Deck'.


The sun shone down through the cloudless sky and reflected brightly of the water. The glittering rays of light made their way to the deck of the ship and through the window of the captain’s cabin. The persistent rays struggled to the floor of the cabin and to a mans sleeping face. He groaned before rolling over onto his back. He rubbed his head and lay there moaning in a heap on the floor.
“Remar. Remar Wolf, you need to wake up now.” A soft voice whispered in his ear. He ignored it and rolled over.
“If you do not wake up now, you will not wake up later. Ever. You understand?” The voice whispered again, harshly. He opened his eyes and struggled to a sitting position.
“These old bones of mine need resting ya know?” He said in a smooth, deep voice that rolled like calm waves and a strong British accent.
“20 is not old. You just do not want to admit that you are lazy.” She prodded him gently in the stomach.
“You do not want to get flabby now do you?” He sighed and stood up. The woman walked through the dimly lit cabin and threw open the dusty black curtains. The light streamed in, illuminating the room and exposing her figure. Remar drunk in the image. Her long black hair flowed without wind, swirling around her tall slender build that incited envy with all mortal women. Her pale skin glowed like snow in the sun. She turned to him and looked deeply into his eyes, hers deep pools of purple, slitted like that of a cats, his darker than black. As she walked towards him her long black stallion’s tail whipped back and forth. She grinned a cheeky grin that revealed her sharp teeth, like a wild beasts fangs. Her forked snakes tongue rolled lazily from her black lips and slowly flick away again. She reached forward and brushed his long, blood red hair from his eyes with a long, talon like nail. Her soft pale skin brushed against his rough tan skin that had been the result of many years on the oceans waves. He yawned and stretched, showing off his muscular arms as he did so. This was also the result of many years on the sea.
“Ship off the port bow!” A man called from on deck. The woman’s jungle cat ears perked up at the sound and almost touched the black ram horns that extended past her mass of flowing hair.
“Time to get to work, hey Eris?” She nodded, smirking. He headed for the door, strapping his thick black belts, entangled with many swords, daggers, pistols and a like as he went. He grabbed a dusty brown coat and Eris placed his worn red hat on his head. They burst through the door and ‘work’ began.
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